But do I have to miss dance class?

As the months go along, and I continue to take step after step to kill cancer cells and rebuild my body... My biggest question is beginning to revolve around whether I can continue to go to dance class. 

Obviously I still care about staying alive and free from disease. I still research the best diets and supplements. I still Google unpleasant things like "images of radiation sarcoma". I am tired and wonder daily if any symptom I feel is an infection or reaction to my breast expanders. 

But. It's that time of year when I want to be back in tap class!

I've held it together for the most part - facing chemotherapy and surgeries, all with overwhelming support. I was able to tell my coworkers that I had cancer without crying like a baby. I continue to be able to talk about my medical status, without embarrassment. 

The time I did lose my shit? When I had to tell my dance teacher this past March that I wasn't going to be able to dance in the recital. 

I figure I had to break down somewhere, and in the comfort of a dance studio is where I did it. I remember holding it together during class as we walked out our formations and my teacher put her finishing touches on the routine. I'm always amazed by anyone that can choreograph - and our teacher had just coordinated the movements of more than thirty women in our adult tap class. The dance was finalized, I had my spot... And I knew I wasn't going to be able to follow through. 

I asked my teacher after class if we could talk and ... I cried like a baby. I bursted out "I have breast cancer" and of course, the overwhelming feelings were fear and sadness. But I also felt guilty that I was fucking it up! We were arranged in "windows" and lines and a missing person messes it up. After all that work, I have this stupid diagnosis. 

My teacher was understanding. We'd had other people in the class out with knee injuries or pregnancy or whatever else happens to adult women! But if I'm being honest, THIS - my sacred hour on Wednesday night - was what hit me the hardest. 

I love dance. I'm not fantastic - but I love it. I have the fondest memories (that have only gotten more fonder ((is that a word)) as I've gotten older) of my time in dance growing up. That was my team sport. 

And it's my current team sport. I cannot express the good hearts of the women I'm surrounded with at the dance studio. They are supportive and welcoming and hella fun! They've followed up with me as I sat out of the dance recital and brought over meals, fresh fruit, care packages and beautiful plants. They wrote a shout out to me in the recital program that made me ugly cry. They are an incredible group of women. 

Having to step away (even if it was temporary) hurt like hell. 

I went back in September... Only to tap and not lyrical, since my recent surgery restricts my arm movement and strength. And when I found out I needed another surgery after going back to class - my first thought was not "damn it, more anesthesia" but "damn it, I have to miss dance class".