Things I Have Learned About Cancer

 The past couple of weeks have been a lot. 

 First, I learned that I have breast cancer. 

 My mammogram led to an ultrasound - then across the hall to the breast surgeon. Then a consult and biopsy on two lumps. Then a phone call with "results" that they wouldn't tell me over the phone. 

While I was waiting for those results - I found out that a dear member of my family was headed into surgery for a bilateral mastectomy due to a breast cancer diagnosis. Same age as me. This felt like a harbinger, and in fact, it was. A few days later in my doctors' office, I heard the words Invasive ductal carcinoma and was then ordering genetics tests and my brain started to blur. I didn't even ask for the biopsy pathology - at least not for a couple of days. 

Second, I have learned that no two cancers are the same. While it has become a bit of a universal experience to either have watched a friend or family go through the diagnosis or treatment, or to have experienced it yourself - each case is incredibly nuanced. That may seem like common sense to others, but I've learned a bit about genetics and hormone receptors and what types of cancers may need chemotherapy or not. 

Third, I have learned (or been reminded) that our connection to other people is everything. I have felt like mortality has slapped me in the face. My entire life is a sum of experiences, relationships and feelings towards and with other people. It's hard to describe how much more deeply I feel this. People show their real nature almost immediately when hearing difficult news - and I'm surrounded by a lot of amazing humans. (Some have also fallen into their predictable patterns and then I really can say, "Not even a cancer diagnosis will change this!") 

This blog, when I wrote regularly nearly ten years ago, was a source of creativity and posterity. A little bit of therapy too. It gets the words out of a swirling tornado in my head and satisfies my need to connect. If I can share what's going in my life and get some feedback or a shared experience out of it, that does wonders for my mental state. 

So while I need a place to share what sometimes might be lengthy information or not fun for social media - I didn't want to create a singular place for cancer updates. My ultimate hope is that this is a blip in a long life of experiences, and while I will always BE a person who has/had cancer - I will also continue to be more than that. 

So - what I do know as of March 4th, 2023 is that I have invasive ductal carcinoma in my right breast. Two tumors were found (or palpated by me if you want to be technical) initially and several more were found by breast MRI later. I've had a full body bone scan and chest/abdomen CT. It does NOT look like there is cancer anywhere else in the body. Yesterday I did have two more biopsies - one on my left breast that wouldn't be of any concern if I didn't already have cancer and one of the lymph nodes on my right side as a cautionary measure. 

I got my initial diagnosis from a private practice but here in Western NY, we have a very prominent cancer treatment center called Roswell. Within the first day of my diagnosis - as I was messaging friends - a doctor at Roswell was recommended at least four times. (And the online reviews of my current doctor confirmed what a friend said about her - hot & cold mood and unpredictable. Those aren't things you want when dealing with cancer.) 

As of today - we are pursuing treatment with Roswell. They are recommending chemotherapy first, which is not what I wanted to hear. I think our natural instinct is to get this stuff out of my body! Of course no one wants major reconstructive surgery but I was hoping for that instead of what might be a long length of time fighting this medically. Since my body has already failed to stop cancer from forming, there is the risk that I have pre-cancerous cells floating all through my body and the entire system needs to be shocked. I feel like this 42 year old baby still asking the grown ups what to do and where to turn and just give me more time to do everything. 

Fourth, I've learned that while people have nothing but good intentions - their words don't match what you need. Right now I'm letting all scenarios play out in my head. Negative, positive, catastrophic, realistic, unrealistic, funny, sad, ridiculous or dramatic. We just don't know what is going to happen. It's ok to also say I don't know WHAT to say or this sucks and I don't have a solution. All methods of coping are welcome - prayers, advice, sharing of your own experience, or even distraction. Maybe I'll adopt that positive mindset in a minute - but for now, I'm angry and frustrated. I don't believe there is a divine reason for everything. I think genetics mess with us and we have toxic chemicals in our air, water and food. While I think I can learn from any experience, I don't think I needed a lesson via cancer to value what's important or show love to my friends and family. It's a headache and a hurdle and will cause stress to me and my family. 

 Here we are in 2023 - with a blog that has now turned to Balancing on One Foot with cancer.