I Always Feel Like... Somebody's Watching Me!

Friday, November 19, 2010


 My confidence has taken a huge hit recently. Hit is an understatement - annihilation might be more appropriate. I think anyone who has gone through the ups and downs of being pregnant and giving birth can understand how wacky you begin to feel about your image. I've always been a person who never gave much thought to my weight or shape - I felt healthy and fit into clothes I wanted, so no need for concern.

Having three babies in less than four years... well, it changes things. And I hate myself for saying it. A pregnant body is beautiful. It is serving a miracle in progress. What good could it serve to compare that life-giving shape to anyone not pregnant? But a mom is a woman too; who is ultimately vain and wants to look good. It's the months and years afterwards that you have to adjust that self-image. It's not easy work.

I'm not posting this to garner compliments. I'm not looking to the internet for validation. I've just had a serious day of introspection and honestly, have found that the root cause is that underneath it all, I think we're all insecure. When something in your life shifts and when something you thought to be solid evaporates - we are so quick to fall apart. I'm wondering how to prevent that. Is it possible?

 Confidence is so fickle. We look to other people to build us up. We could be having the best day, accomplish a huge goal, have amazingly perfect hair for once, getting the job you always wanted, finally fit into the jeans you couldn't button up... but something as stupid as a overhearing a person say something bad about you... that intoxicating feeling of confidence is gone.

 I could use a little bit more self-confidence and a little less other-confidence. You can't rely on it.


  1. I hear ya sister. Even though I have only had one baby and I have even lost most of the weight. I still get that nagging feeling that it isn't good enough. It is annoying but I think it is just how women are programmed. Once we have babies we just have to accept that sometimes we are going to feel fat, that our pants may never fit again because are hips are never going back to normal and even on a good day, something probably isn't exactly how we want it. But it's okay because our kids make all of that confidence shit totally worth it. Everytime I hear someone say something about my weight or I look at the horrid stretch marks on my stomach, I look at Rowan and say this is totally worth having him around.

    P.S. Even though I know you didn't write this for compliments I still have to tell you that you look awesome for having 3 kids in 4 years, because you deserve to hear it.

  2. oh no! it is so frustrating that all anyone talks about is how big or small we are when pregnant, and then how quickly it takes us to lose the weight afterwards. A human being came out of there- it's crazy to think we could look exactly like before in a short time- or any time! Those days are in my near future and I do worry that as beautiful (and kick ass) as I feel pregnant, I will feel as gross or worse- self-loathing afterwards. I didn't know you were feeling this way when I complimented your fb photo the other day- but Ill say it again- I hesitated to post it because I dont WANT "weight" to be a post-partum focus- but lady ya looked hot in the stripes!