The Good News, Explained

Yes I'm finished with chemo and all scans have shown that my tumors are "essentially resolved". 

No, I haven't beaten cancer. I completed step one out of about six and every bit of good news has come with not-so-awesome news. 

On my last day of chemotherapy - one of the doctors felt the need to remind me that hormone blocking therapy AND a chemo pill would definitely be in my future. I don't know if they mean to stress people out or temper expectations or if they just sometimes put their medical foot in their medical mouth. I've researched the shit out of breast cancer, so I knew this already. But do you have to remind me, like on my bell ringing day?!? 

Anyways, on the day of my most recent mammogram - the radiologist broke the news that my tumors had shrunk down to nothing AND that there were still suspicious areas to biopsy... All in about 30 seconds. Good news and not-so-awesome news. 

I know that any medical diagnosis is full of twists and turns, and while I appreciate everyone's curiosity - I can't predict what steps are next and how long they will take. I'm still unsure exactly what my surgery will entail and they cannot predict the length of radiation until pathology from surgery comes back. So it's just decision after decision, and changing my expectations. 

My surgeon seemed to be the best at explaining my scans and giving us a moment to celebrate and express relief that chemotherapy was very effective. 

This information was really clarifying to me - it shows how doctors rate the effectiveness of chemotherapy. They had warned me a few times that estrogen-receptive cancer does not always respond well. And that was my biggest fear going in - I just wanted chemo to work. I am a 5! 

No invasive cancer cells are present. BUT, and this brought me down until I understood it... I still have "ductal carcinoma in situ". There were several calcifications and a 1 cm mass that needed to be biopsied. I had that procedure last week and it was extremely nerve wracking. If anyone wants to talk in detail about stereotactic biopsy - I can now add that to my cancer resume. 

That was me, not looking so cute, as the radiologist said "I tried to use enough lidocaine, tell me if it starts to pinch". This is while a 9 gauge needle is deep in my breast. 😱

So while I do have cancer "in situ", it doesn't respond to chemo because it's not yet invasive. The cell makeup is different. It's still in there and it's been added to list of items/areas that need to be removed during surgery. 

A lot of advice is given to stay away from Google... But it's been helpful for me to keep gathering data. Even if it's scary. The medical reports make much more sense. I had a scary grade 3 tumor and will need years of hormone therapy. I Google symptoms and read comments from women in cancer support groups, and sometimes I need to put the phone down and slow my heart rate. But it's still better than just winging it. I want to have the potential questions in my head before meeting with doctors. It makes me a better patient. 

Before all of this, my knowledge of cancer was pretty much non existent. I thought that the end of chemo or the end of radiation marked a type of victory. It really doesn't. I will forever be unsure of whether this will come back - I am going to treat my body like a ticking time bomb and will have to manage my symptoms and hormones as if this was a chronic illness. I share this because I hope we can all become better informed and be better support to anyone with a cancer diagnosis. A lot of the work goes on *after* treatment. 

I'm going to take this temporary win and keep Googling and keep making the best decisions I can.