Turns out I'm Veruca Salt

I don't exactly want a goose that lays golden eggs or a bean feast or to cheat my way into Willy Wonka's factory - but I am a Veruca. I want a lot of things now and I always want more. 

Part of what I keep thinking about is my age... I feel incredibly young to be dealing with this diagnosis. I know I'm not when you consider pediatric cancer and the reality that I've lost several friends when they were only in their 20s. I've had twice as much as life, twice as many experiences. But it's not enough! I'm not done. I want more!!! I want to lock it all up in my pocket, it's my bar of chocolate!

I've been reading several books by Kate Bowler - a woman whose life was also disrupted by cancer at the age of 35. (And here I am complaining about being young at 42!). I find her so comforting because she's HONEST. Her book "Everything Happens" is what I needed to read as I was grappling with the why of cancer. Why me, why now, why the f$#k honestly. She is a religious scholar and has spent much of her career dissecting the idea of the prosperity gospel. A lot of churches preach these ideals - that if you obey God, you'll have wealth, health and happiness. That you can "earn" it all... just keep titheing, praying and behaving the way your pastor tells you to. I've had people tell me that my treatments won't be as effective if I don't give the glory to Jesus first. (Eyeroll.) 

The title of the book is a rebuttal to the platitude "everything happens FOR A REASON." I don't think it does. I think we can take power in our reaction to anything that happens to us, but I don't believe for a second that there's a reason for every shit thing that happens to us. I don't want to downplay an idea that brings comfort to so many people - that God has a specific plan for us. If that works for you, wonderful. We are all navigating this confusing, overwhelming experience. But sometimes things just happen. For me, it has saved me a lot of heartache and wonder to just accept that cancer has happened to me and there's no rhyme or reason. 

But anyways, Kate Bowler also had a very young child at the time of her diagnosis. And her fears spoke to me - the thought that she wouldn't see him grow up. I'm doing the math in my head all of the time - if my treatments work, and I live another 20 years... at least my kids won't be traumatized by losing a parent when they are young. If I only live another 5 years - that's a very different scenario. All the time I now potentially have ahead of me seems borrowed. In her book, Kate talked about sitting in her son's room and swapping out his clothes from one size to the next. Probably the most quintessential MOM thing to do. And when you are questioning your mortality - there's nothing I want more than to be sorting Finian's 4T clothes and buying his winter wardrobe in the next size up. I want to be there for all of it. 

I selfishly want more. I want to see my kids grow up, into middle age. I want to be there with my husband - to live longer than I have already experienced! I keep envisioning myself as a little old lady - who sends birthday cards with cash and works in the garden and knits baby blankets. I want to travel. I want to keep teaching kids how to sew. I want to go to dance class and watch my kids at school concerts. I want every graduation; I want every milestone. I want camping trips and afternoons at the beach. It will honestly never be enough. I'll never be satisfied. Who could be? At what point do we say - well, I've had enough time with the people I love? 

I do know that the time we're given is an amazing gift. I'm realizing that my connections to others IS the purpose. Or at least my purpose. So maybe I'm not a complete Veruca.