Having attachments to a certain outcome or idea has only ever gotten me into trouble or into a place of disappointment. I'm learning the difference between *hoping* for something while accepting that reality may be different.
For the bulk of the last year, this blog has been dedicated to sharing my medical information and updates. I appreciated the outpouring of love from friends and family - part of my goal was to keep everyone updated and part was that I needed to process my own feelings. I also hoped that I could share information that would help the next person who got sick. I thought knowledge and transparency about cancer would be useful.
My life since active treatment hasn't really gone as expected. There have been some instances of sharing what I needed emotionally that have gone quite badly. I think this speaks to the depth of what some people are willing to offer. It's relatively easier to send a wig or meal to someone during chemotherapy (and I don't mean to discount that generosity) than it is to meet someone in an uncomfortable emotional place. I have to let go of these damn expectations or attachment to the idea that others can be with me where I am right now.
I know this isn't an airport and I don't need to announce my departure - but my instinct is telling me that now my writing and my processing needs to be more personal. I don't owe anyone more access to my vulnerable thoughts or feelings. I'm happy to share one on one - but I need to close the protective shield a little tighter.
When coming out of the role of patient and back into role of human being just trying to live a life, I've realized how much privacy I lost. I couldn't control who saw me bald. I couldn't control what I ate or what medicine I had to take. (I still can't control that.) I needed to ask for support for over a year for my family's sake and I haven't had the greatest experiences with people giving help without immense expectations in return.
Some of that vulnerability deepened friendships and I was pleasantly surprised by what it did to relationships that I had no expectations of. (That's the full circle - without expectation, things could flourish!) It's the people that had expectations from me, while at the same time, not living up to those same ideals... That I just can't do it anymore. I do not like people demanding access to my inner world or closeness from me. Key word is demanding.
I know "boundaries" is a buzz word that makes some people roll their eyes at the concept. I didn't really understand what they meant, and am still learning how to express them. Boundaries are more about me than about what other people do. I've found that boundaries can be easily accepted or rage inducing... All depends on who you ask.
I didn't think it would feel this way, but after having all of my business shared and me being a willing part of sharing it... I need to close up the cancer talk shop. If you want to ask me how it's going, I'm happy to talk one on one. If I can support you, I'm happy to share what I know. But after being criticized for needing too much attention or not getting over it fast enough... I will preserve my privacy (and boundaries) better than I did before.
Signing off, in the spirit of healing and accepting things as they are.
