Apparently World Cancer Day is "...a powerful opportunity to speak out, to call for action, to listen to cancer patients and their families, and to give them a voice."
A day where people should listen to me and care about my experiences in cancer treatment? OK! (All said with a dose of sarcasm because cancer or illness shouldn't be treated like a spectator sport.) But I'll gladly talk about my feelings and post it for all the world to see.
I'm quickly approaching a year from diagnosis. I think we all feel this crazy unraveling of time, a disbelief that a year has passed at all. How is it 2024 exactly? A year of intense information gathering and stress. A year of clarification and hurdles, some that I thought wouldn't be possible. But it was a whole year of living! I remember thinking last February... Good GOD, we just got a puppy a few months ago: Is this dog going to outlive me? Whether it was an awesome year or not, it was a year of being here with my family. I could have just as easily been in a fatal car crash last February 13th and I wouldn't be here to recount anything.
I'm proud of myself for overcoming a lot of unpleasant physical and mental trudgery. I certainly didn't do it alone... but at the end of the day (and the beginning and middle), we really only have ourselves to count on. I've got to give myself the mental pep talks and process it into a way of positive, realistic living. It's not all sunshine (in fact, Buffalo only has given us maybe three days of sunshine in the last month). I'm overwhelmed often by the pressure to be on my best health behavior now: sleep well, stress less, eat plant based organic foods and if I miss a nutrient... better get that supplement in. Exercise often and remember to be mindful and still. Oh yeah, also be a parent and a wife and a friend and a sibling and adult child and get to work on time too! I often feel like my health lies entirely in my mindset... and that's just too much pressure.
I have been reading and listening to cancer & health related blogs. I am taking my medications and managing side effects. A lot of my information gathering is less frantic and more pure curiousity. I could not have read this history of cancer synopsis a year ago, especially the parts about surgery. But I have found a lot of comfort in viewing my body, and its ailments, as separate from my self. Cancer affects a lot of people and has been a mystery for healers/doctors for a very very long time. I am just one person who is fortunate enough to be experiencing this in 2024... with a few centuries of research and experience to build on.
I highly highly recommend this book Emperor of Maladies to educate yourself and also marvel at how far we've come. A century ago, we barely understood bacteria and anethesia. Surgeons cut people to shreds trying to get tumors out of the body. No one understood leukemia or how to even try to prevent cancer from returning. And for Buffalo people - my mind was blown that Roswell Park was a dude! A real dude! I figure hospital names are a mish mash of doctors last names and donors... but Roswell Park himself made huge contributions to updating safety in medical procedures and in Buffalo history. This is where I admit I am truly becoming a history nerd.
I am finding life to be interesting *after* active treatment. I'm not really in the nadir of cancer care, but my doctor reminded me today that it's going to take at least a year for my body to fully recover. And my medications do still cause fatigue, nausea and a comprimised immune system. My skin is actively recovering (under the surface) from radiation. So of course I'm tired.
BUT. And I think this is an important distinction that means something different for everyone that has been through a medical ordeal. I still don't identify myself as a person who is "sick". That might be delusional... as I look back on the instances I had health crises. Kidney problems as a young child, acute galbladder problems, a few atypical pap smears (and procedures), gestational diabetes, breast CANCER. That's not exactly the resume of someone who is extremely healthy. But I don't think of myself that way. While I love a community, I don't want to willingly join this pink army of breast cancer survivors and create my identity around it.
After listening to Shannon Dougherty's podcast (Let's Be Clear), I kind of see the path I'd like to take going forward. I don't want anyone to necessarily forget that I had cancer... as it's a chronic condition... but I don't need it to be the focus of my existence. Most people in my life have been extremely considerate and don't throw unsolicited advice my way. Yes, if you do read about the cure and it's been peer reviewed by doctors and somehow my own doctors haven't heard of it - please feel free to mention it. But don't bring me internet theories and conspiracies that cancer centers only want my money.
Her biggest advice on the podcast was to be very, very careful of what you say to a cancer patient because it can never be unheard or unsaid. That's also some pretty solid life advice as well. Be mindful of what you are saying. Be courteous and don't lead with, "How crappy do you feel today?" :)
As for World Cancer Day, I think we're in a fantastic place where we can openly talk about cancer and it isn't a hopeless, dire subject to be whispered about. I am using it to speak my piece and also think about the many patients before me... who endured trials and how their ineffective treatment or surgery helped us move one step closer to figuring it all out. Cancer still takes a lot of lovely people away from us: often decades before it should have. I see you.
