Day One, only 1097 more to go

I'm having some big feelings over a 150 mg pill. (And the 1 mg menopause maker pill called an "aromatase inhibitor".) 

Today is day one for my long term medications. The things I have to do now that active treatment is over. The things that will change my body chemistry and help stop reoccurrence. 

The pills that subsequently require *other* pills or supplements to handle side effects. 

This is my PSA that with some cancers, treatment never ends. I know I've harped on this before. I have to fall somewhere between grateful that they exist and skeptical about whether the risks outweigh the benefits. I just ask that if anyone wants to say, "it's better than being dead!" , you should probably keep that to yourself and reconsider the logic. 

For anyone curious about the science, I am taking a CDK 4/6 inhibitor called Verzenio. It's widely prescribed and was developed I believe to give to Stage 4 patients as a means to shrink tumors that can't be operated on. Or shouldn't be operated on - not all cancer surgery is a good idea, oddly enough. But more recently, Verzenio has been prescribed as a preventative measure for two years. Is this big pharma greed or does it work? Research is showing that it works... But also that big pharma is making bank. Of course I have conflicting feelings about it - knowing that the side effects WILL show up. I follow comments in medical support groups and have had several meetings with pharmacists - this is not an easily tolerated medication. Food restrictions, ongoing nausea and stomach problems, I've even read of people that had to avoid raw fruits/vegetables for the years they are taking these meds. So with the dietary advice I'm getting (and with it, the pressure that it's supposedly under my control whether cancer returns) - it's a big frustration for me. 

The other medication is to prevent my body from turning available aromatase into estrogen. That beautiful, terrible estrogen that makes our joints work and our brains work and many important organs work. Estrogen that is being suppressed in my ovaries but is still produced by body fat and other organs. I'm post menopausal but am also being drop kicked into the estrogen levels of an 80 year old woman. 

Hence the vitamin supplements and calcium and DEXA body scans to catch osteoporosis... I can't take Vitamin C or certain antioxidants and will continue to have a weakened immune system. That UTI that put me in the hospital during chemo? It's highly likely that I'll have more of those since estrogen, obviously, is very important for healthy bladder function. 

I'm trying to find a healthy mental outlook for this. The end date for these meds is so so so far away. Verzenio is two years and the AI is ten years. When I'm done with this medication - my kids will be 27, 25, 23, 16 and 14. Finian will be FOURTEEN and the older ones will be out and launched into the world. A full decade of my life. 

And yeah yeah, it's better than being dead! Counting years and wanting to be there for my kids has been a huge motivator - but it's a lot to mentally come to terms with. Somebody show me the healthy balance between wanting to stay informed and just blindly taking the pills and hoping for the best. 

And Just Like That... I am Free from Radiation!

I asked, and asked and asked again. "Are you sure I'm scheduled for 30 rounds?" 

I was skeptical and hopeful that the doctors suggestion that I could get away with 15 rounds, which is becoming the standard of care in other countries. But my patient portal said otherwise. 

We were shuffling into Roswell, me feeling a bit unmotivated at treatment #24. That's not a very exciting number... Oohh wee 24! Seven more to go! Start a parade! 

But once I was changed into the gown, the techs said encouragingly, "Almost done!"

"Yeah, I can't wait for next week!"

"No, your last day is tomorrow."

"Tomorrow, as in tomorrow???"

The tech said that when she looked at my schedule, she realized that I didn't need the last five targeted treatment. If I had gotten a lumpectomy, then they would have focused on the areas where my tumors had been... But since all breast tissue has been removed - I'm good at twenty five! 

I was filled with the biggest endorphin rush. Suddenly I felt like the world had opened up and I could sprint down the street. Only one more day!?!? I had SO MUCH TIME now. 

Granted, radiation has been a lot easier physically than everything else. I'm burnt and can't tell if the sore throat/cough that I have are general illness or intensified by my treatment. The burns may worsen before they improve, but at least I am done! 

We were well taken care of with the meal train and the plethora of lotions given to me. If I could give a shout out to my cancer related Facebook groups - I would. It's hard to imagine going through this without the advice of women that have endured it before you. 

I came home and happily worked in the sewing room to finish a Christmas quilt that has been in the works for most of 2023. 

Hear Me Out... Money Can Buy Happiness

As an adult, I sometimes hear the platitudes that were spoken to me as a child, and I think about how reductive or trite they were. 

"Life's not fair" 

"Monkey see, monkey do." 

"Money can't buy happiness." 

That last one, I think we should reconsider. 

Of course, money can't protect everyone from illness or tragedy or heartache. You can't find the love of your life via your bank account. Money can cloud our judgement and money can inspire jealousy. You can't purchase peace in your soul or empathy. 

BUT: money, and the access it provides to many wonderful things and services... That can make you happier! 

First of all, being poor is expensive. Think of the winter boot analogy that sometimes floats around on the Internet. If you're strapped for cash and can't afford quality boots/shoes - you buy something at maybe $30 to get you through a season. (Even that's being generous with prices since you basically can't find anything decent for less than $50). But.. if you had to buy a new pair every year because they didn't last... Let's say over a period of a decade, you're spending over $300. If you had been able to afford a high quality boot at the get go, you'd more likely spend around $150. 

When we first moved here to Buffalo, we were not rolling in cash. The training period for Gregory's new job lasted 4 months and was barely compensated. I wasn't working more than two days a week because (1) three little kids, (2) we were preparing to move and (3) no one has ever offered me free child care. 

That Christmas, my mother in law bought me a beautiful pair of Sorel winter boots. More than I'd been able to justify spending on such a thing. When I look at the Sorel website now - the most expensive boots I can find are around $190. I still use these boots, they don't look like they've been worn at all. They're amazingly warm and I know I'll use them for ten more years. 

Do you see where I'm going with this? Having money gives one the chance to buy one nice thing in the first place, instead of shelling out $$ year after year for what you can afford right now. 

There's also the hierarchy of needs. I first learned about this in my psychology 101 class in college. 

We need the basics covered before we can even begin to think about "luxury" items such as self-esteem, love and philosophy. If you're always searching for the next meal or stressing about the impending bills - I don't think that leaves much time to explore your artistic pursuits. 

In today's age - having credit, building credit, having wiggle room in your budget might seem like a sick joke. You don't get good interest rates on basically anything if you don't look good on paper. Your mortgage is higher, your car loan is worse. The quality of your car is probably worse because you couldn't afford the one that will last 15 years. You can't save for an emergency and end up paying more for normal services like the inevitable new tires or home repair. 

Add something fun like a cancer diagnosis and I'll tell you 1000% that money can make you happier. Money can buy supplements, acupuncture, high quality food, all of the medical supplies not considered essential by insurance, time off from work, therapy, access to exercise, body products that aren't laden with hormones. Money can give you time to heal and time with your loved ones - especially if travel is involved. A job with adequate insurance (because that IS part of the compensation package) can buy your prescription that would cost $14,000 a month out of pocket. Money can give you options. Money can buy books and stupid things like doll house miniatures because they bring you stupid joy! 

Money has bought my children lessons to explore dance, scouting, camping, swimming, biking, gardening, basketball, musical theatre, art and science. Money has provided us visits to the botanical gardens, planetariums, amusement parks, national parks, art galleries and the pumpkin patch. Just being able to comfortably afford celebrating holidays and birthdays is happiness. 

I should also point out that we value the value of money around here. We coupon, we argue increases in our insurance rates and subscriptions. I will look at the thrift store before I buy something new. We don't say no to off-brand anything. I also love to "earn" my money, if that makes sense. I enjoy working and don't think I'd be happier if I didn't need it. But I'd also be happier if my compensation allowed me to have more money in my bank account! 

I hope my children understand that we've provided their basics so that they can explore the items higher up on the hierarchy of needs. To pursue happiness, education and their artistic expression - built upon the knowledge that they have food and a safe home. 

Money, when allocated fairly, can build safe neighborhoods. Money can help a woman escape an abusive relationship. Money can help that single teenage mom go to school and "better herself". Money can buy nice clothes to wear to that interview for the job that will finally pay you enough to live beyond paycheck to paycheck. Money can provide a kid with Internet access, so they have a more level playing field in this life. Money can get you a personal chef or physical therapy. 

Money can also make you happy when you have enough to share it! When you think of someone like Elon Musk or Donald Trump - you can see that money is wasted on some that are miserable through and through. But isn't greed really the problem, and not the money? Isn't it the entitlement and lack of empathy? 

Money can't buy kindness, really.