The Annual Library Book Sale!

There are so many holidays, traditions, birthdays and events throughout the year that bridge the now and the past. You can't help but think about where you were a year ago on Christmas or your last birthday. 

We have fireworks in July and countdowns at the end of the year. Marking our very inconsequential votes for at home viewing of the Academy Awards. We put candles on birthday cakes and there's all the things that come with home ownership. Take out the patio furniture, bring it in. Placing our indoor plants out in the spring sunshine, where they make up for a dormant winter. 

One of my personal annual events is the library book sale. Oh, how I try to stay away. I tell myself, DUDE - you have no business bringing more books into your house. Bookshelves and book bins are overflowing and the personal pile next to my bed is ummm, out of control. And let's not talk about while I have all of these physical books at the ready - I'm still downloading and requesting e-books regularly. Like four at a time regularly. 

But every year I go and buy the $5 bag that can be filled to the brim. I look at cookbooks and hard cover non-fiction and always find something that is on my Goodreads "want to read" list. 

Last year I went to the book sale only a few days after shaving my head. I wore my baseball cap/wig combo and hoped I didn't look obviously wigged. It's kind of magical to think about how much and how little changes in a years time. 

And my prize this year was a book that no one needed and no one will read but I laughed so hard when I saw it... 

From one immature person to the next, I hope you have something like the book sale where you can make entirely irresponsible choices for only $5. 

World Cancer Day

Apparently World Cancer Day is "...a powerful opportunity to speak out, to call for action, to listen to cancer patients and their families, and to give them a voice."

A day where people should listen to me and care about my experiences in cancer treatment? OK! (All said with a dose of sarcasm because cancer or illness shouldn't be treated like a spectator sport.) But I'll gladly talk about my feelings and post it for all the world to see. 

I'm quickly approaching a year from diagnosis. I think we all feel this crazy unraveling of time, a disbelief that a year has passed at all. How is it 2024 exactly? A year of intense information gathering and stress. A year of clarification and hurdles, some that I thought wouldn't be possible. But it was a whole year of living! I remember thinking last February... Good GOD, we just got a puppy a few months ago: Is this dog going to outlive me? Whether it was an awesome year or not, it was a year of being here with my family. I could have just as easily been in a fatal car crash last February 13th and I wouldn't be here to recount anything. 

I'm proud of myself for overcoming a lot of unpleasant physical and mental trudgery. I certainly didn't do it alone... but at the end of the day (and the beginning and middle), we really only have ourselves to count on. I've got to give myself the mental pep talks and process it into a way of positive, realistic living. It's not all sunshine (in fact, Buffalo only has given us maybe three days of sunshine in the last month). I'm overwhelmed often by the pressure to be on my best health behavior now: sleep well, stress less, eat plant based organic foods and if I miss a nutrient... better get that supplement in. Exercise often and remember to be mindful and still. Oh yeah, also be a parent and a wife and a friend and a sibling and adult child and get to work on time too! I often feel like my health lies entirely in my mindset... and that's just too much pressure. 

I have been reading and listening to cancer & health related blogs. I am taking my medications and managing side effects. A lot of my information gathering is less frantic and more pure curiousity. I could not have read this history of cancer synopsis a year ago, especially the parts about surgery. But I have found a lot of comfort in viewing my body, and its ailments, as separate from my self. Cancer affects a lot of people and has been a mystery for healers/doctors for a very very long time. I am just one person who is fortunate enough to be experiencing this in 2024... with a few centuries of research and experience to build on. 

I highly highly recommend this book Emperor of Maladies to educate yourself and also marvel at how far we've come. A century ago, we barely understood bacteria and anethesia. Surgeons cut people to shreds trying to get tumors out of the body. No one understood leukemia or how to even try to prevent cancer from returning. And for Buffalo people - my mind was blown that Roswell Park was a dude! A real dude! I figure hospital names are a mish mash of doctors last names and donors... but Roswell Park himself made huge contributions to updating safety in medical procedures and in Buffalo history. This is where I admit I am truly becoming a history nerd. 

 

 I am finding life to be interesting *after* active treatment. I'm not really in the nadir of cancer care, but my doctor reminded me today that it's going to take at least a year for my body to fully recover. And my medications do still cause fatigue, nausea and a comprimised immune system. My skin is actively recovering (under the surface) from radiation. So of course I'm tired. 

BUT. And I think this is an important distinction that means something different for everyone that has been through a medical ordeal. I still don't identify myself as a person who is "sick". That might be delusional... as I look back on the instances I had health crises. Kidney problems as a young child, acute galbladder problems, a few atypical pap smears (and procedures), gestational diabetes, breast CANCER.  That's not exactly the resume of someone who is extremely healthy. But I don't think of myself that way. While I love a community, I don't want to willingly join this pink army of breast cancer survivors and create my identity around it. 

After listening to Shannon Dougherty's podcast (Let's Be Clear), I kind of see the path I'd like to take going forward. I don't want anyone to necessarily forget that I had cancer... as it's a chronic condition... but I don't need it to be the focus of my existence. Most people in my life have been extremely considerate and don't throw unsolicited advice my way. Yes, if you do read about the cure and it's been peer reviewed by doctors and somehow my own doctors haven't heard of it - please feel free to mention it. But don't bring me internet theories and conspiracies that cancer centers only want my money.

 Her biggest advice on the podcast was to be very, very careful of what you say to a cancer patient because it can never be unheard or unsaid. That's also some pretty solid life advice as well. Be mindful of what you are saying. Be courteous and don't lead with, "How crappy do you feel today?" :) 

As for World Cancer Day, I think we're in a fantastic place where we can openly talk about cancer and it isn't a hopeless, dire subject to be whispered about. I am using it to speak my piece and also think about the many patients before me... who endured trials and how their ineffective treatment or surgery helped us move one step closer to figuring it all out. Cancer still takes a lot of lovely people away from us: often decades before it should have. I see you. 

Relationships Are like Customer Service Reviews

Hi. Happy New Year. 

Its 2024. Not the hellscape 2023. Not all of last year was bad - I had little breaks of sanity and enjoyment and travel peppered in with moments of sheer terror, grief and physical pain. Maybe we all experienced that in a way. But it's 2024 and I want it to be a good one. One for healing and refreshing the browser and eliminating things that I don't need. 

I want simplicity. Clearing the clutter in my house and the cycles in my brain. And honestly, closing bad relationship cycles as well. 

So my title is a weird metaphor for relationships and customer service. Let me explain. In the world of reviews for businesses - it's hard to get anyone who has an average experience to take the time to rate their service or write an online comment. Average service is basically washed out. You got what you asked for and nothing more. 

 Bad service gets a lot of attention, obviously. We want everyone to know which businesses should be avoided and which ones scammed us. But, if we have a bad experience and it's FIXED - we are usually happier with that business than if nothing negative had occurred at all. 

Having a problem and then overcoming it usually makes us more loyal to a business, more vocal and more likely to give high ratings. 

I think this is the same with relationships. 

We're all looking for connection, or at least I am. I value deep relationships that are authentic. Authentic in the way that you can discuss a lot of topics and be honest. You can share your feelings and know that it will be held in confidential space. You can voice frustrations without it turning into defensiveness or gaslighting. You can give and take feedback. You can say the ugly things out loud. 

Since all of us are incredibly different - I think these relationships take time and often mistakes. Feelings get hurt. We don't understand each others' motivations or histories. We don't have the same communication styles. And some people are just not going to give you much to work with! 

I'm trying to get better with expectations. I wish that others valued communication, as a way to stay connected. Or maybe they just don't feel the need to express it? I often wonder if people think they have good relationships with me, when I think they've completely dissolved. Do they have the same thoughts or do they think everything is just fantastic? 

When the relationship is either long term or familiar enough that you've had conflict, there's going to be the need to give and get feedback. (This is where I hope I finally explain my metaphor). Someone says something hurtful, someone doesn't return a text (or 10). And maybe like at a business, you say something. You complain. You have the wrong order at your emotional restaurant and you want it fixed! How that person responds is so freaking important. And not just once, but maybe you weigh the averages of the last five encounters. 

If/when you say the wrong thing or you miss something important - being open to feedback is the path to enlightenment. Love is shown through actions, not the words "I love you" and then nothing else that is trustworthy or kind. And maybe it can't be "fixed" to a five star review status... But we're going to be happier and more willing to come back if that person (or business) at least *attempts* to fix it. I know I feel more connected, more empathetic, more "satisfied with my experience" when I feel heard. And I hope I'm getting better at providing those services myself! Being a parent and spouse and child and sibling and friend and co-chair and extended relative and member of the Girl Scouts... I think I'm headed more towards 3.5 Star review than I was before. 

Mistakes are made, dumb things are said. People act out of bad habits. I know this. But the businesses I no longer want to patron are the ones that double down on mediocre service. Sorry, we ran out of your favorite dish again and didn't change any of our inventory/behavior to try and do better! 

Thanks for reading my ridiculous post about comparing take-out and unmet emotional needs.