Reparenting Myself Through Spotify

 *I do realize that in November of 2025 that Spotify has become problematic with their use of ICE recruitment ads*

 Fifteen year old me loved her discman. I would sit on the bus to school, not really in the mood to be human in the morning, and listen to my beloved small collection of CDs. Oh those compact discs! The love story I have with them! I was influenced by different friend groups - so I'd listen to G Love & the Special Sauce in one realm, DC Talk with my youth group friends and secretly listen all year round to my Harry Connick Jr, "When My Heart Finds Christmas" album. 

 I don't remember exactly when the discman broke. Might have been during college. In the beginning years of cell phone use - I didn't listen to anything other than downloaded mixtapes and my CDs in the car. And even later, my cassette player in a blasted Dodge Neon. And if you follow the evolution of music technology - I enjoyed the days of the iPod Nano (that girl went with me to the treadmill many times!), to CDs in a minivan, to downloaded music and back to record players. 

 I also broke/lost my iPod and for quite awhile, listened to Pandora and my family account of Spotify. As a family, we listened to Queen and Yo! Gabba Gabba songs, musicals, Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, etc. But I hate Pandora - every time I wanted to scratch that Harry Connick Jr Christmas itch...they'd throw in some Josh Groban. Random selections were no better than the radio. 

My kids have gotten older and more selective in their music tastes. So our family algorithm became a bit scattered and I made the big financial leap to pay for my own Spotify account... a whopping $9.99 a month to save my own playlists and search for that song I haven't heard since junior high. 

 Right before cancer struck - I started an industrial sewing job where we have the freedom to listen to music/podcasts/audiobooks all day long if we desire. And Oh do I desire!! This is when my Spotify account became the best friend I could tote with me anywhere. Phone battery in alignment, of course. I could tap into whatever genre I wanted given what I was feeling that day - and it was mine, all mine. I may sound silly - but as a parent - there aren't a lot of things that are yours. You have to share, a LOT. And not much is private. 

But no one but me and Spotify know what goes on in my headphones. I can listen to a new song I found 15 times in a row and not bother a soul. I can search up all the albums I bought from BMG and recreate the thrill I had listening to them in my tween room. 

Music, and my ownership over what I choose to listen to, has been a very healing element as I navigate the normal challenges of adulthood and parenthood. Sometimes the day is too loud and I just want to hear the Sleeping Beauty ballet music. Sometimes I need to put on my "You're Gonna Cry" playlist and release everything I've been heartbroken over. It's also helping me navigate the not normal parts of life. Where I'm teaching myself to better regulate emotions and reparent myself, as I try to give myself space to understand all that went on after my father died. It's such a strange season in life to be the grown up, but watching your kids live in a much more secure environment than you had. My inner 20 year old, my 17 year old, my 11 year old selves - they are begging to be heard and understood. They want to rage with Tori Amos but also rediscover listening to Janet Jackson at sleepovers. 

There is something deeply comforting about finding your voice again. It's a meditation practice to sing or hum music that is so well known. In your body. It's bringing me back to the root of who I am, but also the root of who I wish I could have been without experiencing so much trauma. 

Life is Short & Other Unhelpful Advice

I listened to a podcast listing the 10 truths a breast cancer survivor shared about her healing - and I feel like the words could have come right out of my mouth. The lack of understanding for what survivorship means and the lack of comprehension for what this disease does to a body. Worst case scenario is death. (Well, honestly that may not be the worst.) In medium case scenarios - you now live in a body that has had vital parts of you amputated. You take medications that leave you fatigued and achy.

1. The cancer is never "done". It is a wraith that follows you, making you wonder if and when it has returned. Because you now know it's completely out of your control. 

2. Your knowledge about health, diet and exercise is heightened.... But also useless. There are dudes on YouTube telling you to eat a raw diet when they had a completely different type of cancer and yours feeds on the natural hormones in your body. Being "aware* of osteoporosis when the medication you have to take *CAUSES* osteoporosis, isn't really helpful at all!

3. Think think think before you tell a cancer survivor to be strong. What does that mean exactly? Don't ask for too much help? Don't let yourself cry over your mortality? Don't admit that you think this is bullshit? When we hear "you're so strong" - I at least hear - "you're only allowed to be strong. We will not let you slip up." I was strong because I had to be. I am strong because who exactly is going to pick up the pieces if I fall apart? 

4. We will never be the same. I cannot go back to an innocence about my health or my mortality. Every shitty thing that happens to us creates a little divide from other people... It's just the truth. I know what it's like to have cancer, when many are oblivious. I know what it's like to lose a parent, been there since I was 17. Empathy can only go so far - so you live with a grief and a personal knowledge that a bulk of people around you don't get. And when you are punished or considered difficult for no longer being who you were before a doctor said "you have cancer", you are further isolated. 

5. Some people run towards you and some run away - and I am not in the mental space yet to NOT take that very personally. If my brush with death wasn't enough for you to consider my humanity or to let go of your petty expectations for me... How else am I supposed to interpret that? My life feels pretty damn personal. 

6. Cancer clarifies. The circles of people around you shift. Logically, I know that other peoples' behavior is a reflection of who THEY are, not whether I deserve what they're giving me. Emotionally, it really bothers me. I'll give grace to a stranger being rude on public transportation. This is a big world. We are walking around in personal solar systems that will bump into others. But it's the people that want to get into your car, your personal space, claim some sort of knower-ship about you and then ride along without input, support or kindness... nah. Enduring a life-altering event seems like a good time to reassess. Who actually listens to me? Who tries? Who was waiting for me to "look better" before they resumed hating me openly? Strangers roped in to show me that they wanted me to live, while several family members roped waaaay out, showing that they couldn't be bothered. 

7. Lack of control in the medical sphere can make patients double, triple, quadruple down on the areas of their life that they can control. For the last three years, I've been on a leash connected to my appointments, blood tests, pre-surgical checklists and the pharmacy. The leash gets longer, the time between appointments goes from every other week, to monthly, to 3 months apart. That's the longest leash I've been on since 2023. Three months without a needle in my arm or my abdomen. As a person who likes to plan into the future - this is a challenge. I stare at the calendar that is taped to the medical reception desk. I used to look at that when I went a whole YEAR in between check ups. When the gynecologist asked, should I make the appointment a year from now? Pre-cancer me would shrug and say, "why not?" Now I am trying to schedule the next bone infusion appointment so it doesn't ruin the weekend of an important family event in June. 

8. There is no guidebook on how much to talk or not talk about being sick. The hair grows back, the scars fade. Bra prosthetics hide imbalances. A Thursday morning visit to a clinic and then Friday to the massage therapist and Saturday acupuncture. No one needs a play by play of your appointments, but how else does one comvey that cancer is still a huge part of the schedule? 

9. The concept of gratitude will continue to be murky. I now have a circle of women in my life that I never would have known without being a part of survivorship programs. They are everything I would have loved in a normal book club, but a cancer book club! I would have liked getting to know them on a good day but REALLY like knowing them on bad days. So what is the name of the emotion for being grateful for friends, but not the situation that made you friends in the first place?

10. There is no healing without safety. And there is no guarantee of safety. There is only the best we can do with the knowledge that we have. When new knowledge is available, make sense of it and apply where needed. I wish there was a cap to put on the salve we need for our hearts and minds to heal. Apply once a day, discard after encountering one too many MAHA advice columns about raw milk and "Chemo is poison". Do not mix with trying to run a 10k again when your body can only do soft yin yoga. Apply to clean, unbroken skin and call a medical professional if you develop a fever. Apply with art therapy and days of renewal. Do not use if it's been tampered with. Trust your brain on the days you can see the positive and watch with caution on the days it is telling you that you are too broken. Be the safest person you've ever needed.